Do I regret because I loved him or just because I wanted to be loved? 2 | lonelystars's Blog

For a long time I thought I loved my first love, because he was very kind and I felt loved around him. But I was wrong, that wasn't the reason I loved him.

Today when I was reading my old diary I could see clearly when I fell in love with his kindness. I didn't write it down in words, but I could tell clearly from the way I worded it. In the beginning it was true that I loved him for his kindness and for the fact that I felt accepted and loved by him. But somehow those feelings slowly changed in 2 years, until the day we confessed and became aware of each others feelings.

When I read back in my diary how I felt after the confession I got really shocked, because I had written down what I saw as precious memories back then. Those memories were 2 little jokes he made and I could feel how it stirred up my emotions. I couldn't bear reading any further and stopped reading. All I wanted was to cry, remembering how simple love was. I didn't only love him because he was kind or by my side when I had nobody else. I loved his smile, his jokes, his expressions just every little thing about him! I just consciously or unconsciously forgot about it.

It feels horrible to remember how it really used to be, because now I have to deal with emotions I don't know how to deal with. But one thing is sure: My feelings changed from wanting to be loved to really loving this person and I really don't know how that happened.