For a long time I thought I loved my first love, because he was very kind and I felt loved around him. But I was wrong, that wasn't the reason I loved him.
Today when I was reading my old diary I could see clearly when I fell in love with his kindness. I didn't write it down in words, but I could tell clearly from the way I worded it. In the beginning it was true that I loved him for his kindness and for the fact that I felt accepted and loved by him. But somehow those feelings slowly changed in 2 years, until the day we confessed and became aware of each others feelings.
When I read back in my diary how I felt after the confession I got really shocked, because I had written down what I saw as precious memories back then. Those memories were 2 little jokes he made and I could feel how it stirred up my emotions. I couldn't bear reading any further and stopped reading. All I wanted was to cry, remembering how simple love was. I didn't only love him because he was kind or by my side when I had nobody else. I loved his smile, his jokes, his ex
It feels horrible to remember how it really used to be, because now I have to deal with emotions I don't know how to deal with. But one thing is sure: My feelings changed from wanting to be loved to really loving this person and I really don't know how that happened.
I still remember my first times on the computer, teaching myself how to use Internet Explorer and MSN messenger. I was about 8/9 years back then and now I have used MSN messenger for about 12/13 years. That's why it's still a shock for me that MSN messenger will retire the first quarter of next year, I literally grew up with it!
Today I finally decided to face reality and merged my MSN with my Skype account, I also tried the Skype chat function for the first time and I was disappointed. The main thing that made me disappointed was that I was unable to personalize Skype like I could with MSN. I missed all the colours, backgrounds and other stuff that made me love using MSN. Beside that I don't like the fact that I couldn't play games with my friends on Skype, what I'm usually doing while spending time on MSN.
In my eyes it's strange that they want to substitute MSN with Skype (or how they like to call it merging), that has a lot less functions. There is a reason for people to choose MSN right? My reason is mainly for the games and other functions I use frequently (like the whiteboard). That's why the probability that I will use Skype is 0 and I don't think I will use any other kind of live chat on my desktop computer anymore. I think I'll just switch to my cellphone and only use Whatssapp when MSN is gone.
How do you think about the change? Do you like it? Hate it? My opinion is clear, I don't like it at all!
In a previous blog I had shared a story about changing and denying change. The story was about a friend denying that he had changed, when I told him he did. At the time I thought that everyone is changing, except me. And strange enough that friend told me that I haven't changed, which of course I did.
For about 6 years I was wondering why he told me that lie. Yesterday, I finally understood why. That friend was really precious to me and I didn't want to lose him. That's why I didn't want to change and wanted everything to stay the same forever. Unfortunately I noticed he had changed and I couldn't stop myself from saying it. I remember he was quite shocked when I said that. The reason for that lie might be because he didn't want to lose this friend(me) either...
It's really funny to think back and notice my logic back then. There is no way I could stop myself or someone else from changing. We change by the things we experience, even if we don't want to. But it's still great that I finally understand that I was probably also precious to him. And that I might be the reason why he disliked change, back then.
Some people say the dream on the first day of the year will determine your fortune that year and some say that the dream will come true. I still remember being disappointed January 1st 2011 after waking up, that's because I didn't remember if I had a dream. This year it's different, I had a really strange one.
In my dream I was sitting behind one of the computers at a long table. Several others were working behind them and one of them caught my attention. It was my first love. He ignored me even though it was obvious that he saw me. I didn't like it and walked towards him, asking why he ignored me. I pretended wanting to cry hoping he might tell me the truth. He told me I was the one who made him wanting to slap his girlfriend. I couldn't hear it clearly the first time and asked him to repeat it, which made me hear that sentence twice.
In the dream I was wondering who he was talking about. It couldn't be his current girlfriend, because I don't know her. Thinking about what he could possibly be talking about I woke up, still not knowing what he meant. After sleeping for another couple of hours I realized it might be my best friend back then.
I'm still wondering what this dream wants to tell me. One thing I'm sure of is that it won't come true. I was ignored by someone about a week ago and I was thinking about him 2 days ago. But it doesn't take away that it was a strange dream.
In my second post I mentioned regretting giving up my first love when I was 16 and if I get the chance I would have done it differently.Because I couldn't sleep at night since a week ago, I started thinking about him again. About why I loved him and why he was so precious to me.
Thinking back I know exactly why he was so precious. I didn't have much friends back then, got bullied at school and didn't feel accepted at home. I felt unwanted and useless. And he.. he was there to be my friend, even when I was mean to him. He listened to what I had to say and I felt accepted (for the first time in my life!!) It was just fun for me to be around him, he made me feel like living. That was also the point where I started opening up and developing feelings for him.
I often asked myself what he loved about me. I'm still unable to believe that he loved the insecure air-headed liar I was. And me? Why did I love him? I actually don't know, I just loved being around him and he made me happy. Actually, just being around him made me happy. See I'm a liar ; ) (I do know) I think I loved him because I felt loved around him.
It was very painful back then when I decided to let go and it got me depressed for years. The reason was probably that I was unable to fill up the space I created. I still feel lonely pretty often now, I just try to ignore it. I don't know if I regret because I loved him or because I wanted to be loved, it could be both. But I do wish the best for him, he is really important to me after all.
Yesterday there was a Christmas dinner at school. On my way to school I was hoping that he would be there, because I have only seen him twice this year. The first time we said ¨Hi¨ and the second from afar. I just wanted to have a conversation.
After arriving at the Christmas Party there was only one table. My classmate decided that we should sit there. Later I noticed he was standing on the other side of the crowd and luckily that table had a nice view on him. I started to watch him every now and then, thinking how I should start a conversation and thank him for his help. But I was unable to find a chance, because he was always surrounded by other teachers. I didn't dare to interrupt them and he didn't even looked at me!!
After about 1,5 hour I saw him leaving the dinner area. I thought he might be going to the toilet and it might be my chance. I waited a while before going outside and he was talking with a teacher, again .I gave up and went back inside. Another while later I went to the toilet (I didn't need to) just to see if he was still there and he was. I wanted him to LOOK AT me while I was passing by, but he probably didn't. On my way back he was gone and later I noticed he had left.
When I went back to my classmates I realised I might have a crush on him. I had that idea when I was thinking about starting a conversation before, but just ignored it. Beside that I was a bit frustrated when I noticed that he didn't see me, even when I was right in front of him twice!
At the beginning I disliked that teacher, that's why I hate the fact he somehow managed to steal my heart. I have to admit he is a very nice person, but it sucks to fall in love with the impossible.
A year ago, around this time of the year a teacher asked me how I would see myself over 10 years, what I might be doing and if I will be alone or not. I remember having tears in my eyes for not knowing. I just couldn't imagine myself having a family and all, like the standard. It was quite confusing and frightening.
Now a year later I still don't know. Back then I thought I would just forget about this conversation, but I didn't. I was thinking about it during the whole Christmas holidays last year and still think about it every now and then.
Next year I will probably graduate. It scares me not knowing what I will do after leaving school. I'm actually scared of my own future. I just dislike the fact I have to leave another school, again... Starting again at another school, adapting and end up leaving again. The idea only makes me sad.
Imagining how my life would be after finishing school is already hard enough. I wonder if I will ever be able to think as far as 10 years in the future. For now I still have 9 years to go until I get to know how I would be over 10 years XD
As a teenager I had friends I only met once a year, that's during my birthday parties. During one of those times I told someone that he had changed and strange enough he denied. It was back then obvious to everyone that he did change, but he still denied. Today when I think back, I was similar to him. At that time I thought I stayed the same and the others had changed, but that was of course not true.
If I remember right I also said that I think that I haven't changed and he told me I haven't. Now I'm wondering how he felt. Why did he deny? Why do people deny change in the first place? And why did I think I haven't changed which I had after thinking back? Why did he told me I haven't changed?
I might know the answer I was just frightened of change. Not knowing where it will end and how everything wil become. But it's still strange to deny change, because everything changing is the only thing that won't change...
At the age of 16 I suddenly got the feeling I had lost the real me. Why should I even care about what others say about me? I slowly noticed that I became insecure and that I tried to be someone else than I actually was. Another problem was that I had forgotten who the real me was like, except for the fact I was depressed for years.
After entering university everything became even more worse, I had lost all my confidence and I had to adapt to a new environment. For 2 whole years I was really silent and didn't interact much with my classmates, I just didn't feel like it. I did start to smile more and more in those 2 years.
After my second year I went to 2 different countries in my summer break. I got the feeling I haven't had a break from school for a long time. I felt exhausted and stressed out. Going on vacation did a great job and I started to feel like the true me is coming back. I started to open up to people more, smiling even more than before and really important!! enjoying being with others. Back at school classmates also started to notice that I had changed, I was more open and happy.
A few days ago I met someone I know for 8 years from the internet for the first time. At first I felt a bit insecure, but that vanished almost immediately. I had talked about a lot things and had fun visiting his neighbourhood. The old me would have stayed silent and shy all the time and I somehow didn't. I wondered why after returning home. The answer was that I was like that in the past and because he didn't know how I act in my everyday life. I could act the way I liked, without anyone saying I was acting strange that day.
It feels kind of strange to know my true self again little by little, especially because it's different from the me I have been for the past 10 years. It does feel great to be able to be myself again. That's why I won't become the one others want me to be, but the one I find comfortable being. The thing I call the real me =)
Today I read a story about a woman who went 10 years back in time after an car accident. She started to remember who she was as a 14 year old and did things different than the first time. After finishing reading I started wondering what I would have done if the same thing happened to me. Would I have made different choices if I was the one returning to my 14 years old self? The answer was a pretty clear ¨YES¨.
When I was 16 years old I decided to give up the one I loved and had chosen for my family. I didn't even consider telling them that I fell in love with someone not Chinese. Now I'm 20 years old and I started regretting it this year. It's not really regret that I feel, but more like some kind of sadness.
The second thing I would've done different is not telling the ex-boyfriend of my ex-best friend the thing that made them break up. That's because I know I told him out of jealousy, not only out of pity. Even though I kind of got my punishment, because I wasn't able to see him much after they broke up.
It's really strange that the things I want to do different is only about him. The woman in the story only did the things about his sister and her friends different. Maybe it's a good thing. At least I don't regret doing other things wrong.
Now it's time for me to concentrate back on the future, not the past.
Last night I had a dream about my first love, which was my ex-best friends boyfriend. I remember waking up and remembering every detail of the dream. I regret now that I haven't wrote it down in my diary, especially because I forgot almost everything about that dream the next morning.
All I remember is that confessed to him that I still like him, but the strange part is that I felt sad when I woke up from the dream, but felt completely normal waking up this morning. I did forget about the dream, but it somehow felt like a new beginning. I finally got the idea that my feelings for him are gone for the first time and I can go on with my life. I don't have to force myself to forget any more and that felt really great. I'm really relieved.
Previous PostsDo I regret because I loved him or just because I wanted to be loved? 2, posted February 11th, 2013
I don't want Skype and MSN messenger to merge!!!, posted December 14th, 2012
Changing and denying change 2, posted April 30th, 2012
First dream of 2012, posted January 1st, 2012
Do I regret because I loved him or just because I wanted to be loved?, posted December 30th, 2011, 2 comments
I might have a crush on a teacher, posted December 23rd, 2011
My future, posted December 10th, 2011
Changing and denying change, posted December 3rd, 2011
The real me, posted November 24th, 2011, 2 comments
Returning to the past, posted October 28th, 2011
New beginning, posted October 11th, 2011
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